don't you sometimes spend a couple of a hours in the middle of the night thinking about what went wrong, the stupid things you said to hurt people, wishing u could take them back or apologise to those people right now even though its totally outdated and ridiculous?
i looked back on my life over the last few years and i can't remember a single moment that i had been truly happy, nada, zilch. i can't think of any significant moments at all. i have achieved nothing but made people cry, scar them for life, say hurtful things that just came out of my mouth without being processed thru the brain. said nasty things just because i hate my sorry ass life that didn't turn out the way my parents wanted it to.
6 years of my life gone in a total whirlwind i can't go back and set things right, i can't take back the tears and scars i caused, i can only look back and feel all fucked up about it. i guess thats the thing about making mistakes in life huh, that its not the person you scarred that suffers, its you because you have to live with the guilt of hurting some innocent person, or not innocent. either way, nobody should ever be treated in any ways mean by anyone.
i don't think i have any right to be mean to anybody, or inflict any sort of pain emotionally or physically (well not exactly) because i have been probably one of the worst person i could ever be in the last 6 years of my life. its so fucked up it feels like i'm filled with venom to the very brim of me. i'm so bitter about everything that i punished everyone around me for it even though the only person that should be punished is me, cus i could've made my life better but i chose to wallow in it. not that the people i hurt are innocent people, i mean, i guess they're innocent cus they didn't deserve what i did. but nobody's TOTALLY innocent, and if theyre not, its still not up to me to do unto them what they did to others. (okay i don't actually know how that quote went) but you get drift. it's not up to me.
isn't this what nobody's supposed to say openly? admit to the fact that they've been mean and hurtful to people around them just because they're actually jealous of others being genuinely happy and are just bitter cus their lives suck? admitting to this is definitely a slap to the face isnt it?
not like there's more to lose anyways. i think whats worse is that even though i feel like this is seriously the horriblest person i've ever felt i've been, somehow it doesnt feel like its gunna be the worst. but admitting to that means smth, doesnt it? that i'm trying to stop that from happening, or smth.
i'm sorry to every person i've hurt in any way. i know this is probably the most insincere way anyone could make an apology. but i truly am, i'm sorry that i didn't find a better way to deal with the shit i had and vented my frustration on you instead. i'm truly sorry, i can't take back what i did but i can try to make it up to any of you by changing for the better and not hurt you ever again.
the society's getting more and more fucked up everyday cus the world is growing so materialistic. i really don't think i'll even live to see me at 30 cus just living's so cumbersome and depressing i might just wear out into thin air. i find it so hard to even live with myself, idk how someone as wonderful as you would wanna put up with me.
on another note, grass is green, the sky is a beautiful shade of blue all over, bakchor mee is awesome, cuscaden's chicken wings are tasty, and you are amazing, and your beautiful voice makes melodies in my heart.(: maybe life's not too bad sometimes, just seek some sorta comfort and relief in certain things and maybe life wouldn't be that hard to get by right?
who even reads this? its incoherent and wordy. words of a repressed bad english bittergourd, rolling her eyes as she finishes this off.
